Life as an expat is full of wonderful experiences. But it also has its drawbacks. And one thing that is of course under pressure is relationships. How to stay connected to those people you have left behind. Of course, the age of WhatsApp and Zoom makes it infinitely easier than for the generations before who had to rely on six-weekly letters and then scratchy phone calls. But does ease necessarily equal quality? Let’s take a look….
For my birthday I received three cards. Two were from close family who are practically obliged to send. That leaves one friend who bothered to send a card (you know who you are 😊). I know that going to the post office to buy an international stamp is a slight inconvenience. But if I can do it, is it too much to ask for it to be reciprocated? And this was between lockdowns so no excuses there. Maybe I am old fashioned, but when you live so far from home, a card is more than a card. It is a reminder that someone, somewhere is missing you. Or perhaps not.
Christmas fared slightly better. But still a definite reduction on the usual (even then, fairly sparse!) collection of cards. But then there were the surprises. The bouquet of flowers. The Fortnum & Mason hamper. That one absolutely made my day! I was excited not only because it contained posh treats from home. But because it showed someone (who wouldn’t normally send a present) was thinking about me. Thank you 😊
I have friends I rarely spoke to who now video call me every couple of weeks. It is lovely to reconnect with them and hear about their lives. Lockdown lives may not be very exciting but they still find something to say. And I look forward to hearing it.
Sadly, I have other friends who I have spoken to two or three times in eighteen months. And usually at my instigation. With some people, it won’t matter; we will pick up where we left off. But I am a person for whom connecting is about establishing a habit. Now that that habit is broken, will we ever get back to being in regular touch?
My most-improved relationship call out goes to my brother. We have never been particularly close. We never used to speak on the phone and since he got married, irregular meet-ups have been arranged via his wife. Now we video chat every 2-3 weeks. And we both make the effort. He thinks it’s because I want to speak to my niece and nephew. Which of course, I do. But I want to speak to him too. To feel part of his life and for him to feel part of mine. Ironically, this is the closest I have ever been to my brother. Yet I couldn’t be further away. As I return to the UK, the question is, how to maintain this new-found closeness?
Of course, new friends are made and some previous kiwi friendships have been re-energised. They at least partially replace the face-to-face interactions I can’t have with old friends. Some will be transient, as is the life of an expat. But some will remain. My circle of friends will get bigger, even as it gets weaker.
As I get ready for a pro-longed visit to the UK and think about my next move abroad, I wonder what will become of these relationships over time. Will the new connections continue to stay close? Will those who have drifted off remain in my life at all? I hope so. On both counts.
And I think about what returning to the UK will be like in the age of Covid. In my imagination, the distant traveller returning home would be a celebration. A constant stream of catch-ups, big hugs and lots of excitement. In reality, Covid restrictions will prevent me from seeing anyone other than my parents for the foreseeable future. And by that time, everyone will be so excited to be seeing everyone else they’ve been been cut off from during lockdown, that I won’t be any different.
I’m not complaining. That’s just the way it is. It’s part of what you sign up to as an expat. And no-body expected Covid to descend and change all our lives. I’m sad that some people have drifted away. And pleased that others have been found or re-found. Relationships evolve and it seems distance is definitely a factor. Whatever the future brings, I am very excited to be seeing you all again soon!!